Today my morning just didn't start off as good as I had hoped. Every morning I wake up and pray to have a good day...one that's not so hard to deal with, emotionally, you know? My husband has been in Iraq for almost nine months now. Sure, he had a break for Rand R for two weeks around the end of December, but for all of my other fellow Army wives, we all know that 2 weeks is no where near long enough! In ALL ways, it makes me so angry that the government only gives our soldiers two weeks R and R time to spend with there family during their deployment. Time always seems to fly by when your having a good time, so two weeks REALLY only feels like 2 days. I think for the most part I was doing ok, in fact I would say I was doing great, considering I was surviving my first deployment with out my husband. But since he came home, and I was reminded of how nice it is HAVING him home, I haven't been able to be very strong since then. For me its like, I stay strong day in and day out, and then out of now where - it hits me! The emotions, the fear, the worry, the heart ache, the loneliness....and of course the tears.
For me, my husband is the air I breathe. He is the first reason I wake up smiling in the morning, and he is the person that helps me feel safe when I go to sleep at night. He is my rock, my prince, and my hero - and he is the one person in this world who can still give me a compliment and make me blush over it. He still gives me butterflies when I know I'm gonna see him when he comes home from work, and when I went to pick him up at the airport for R and R? Forget about it! I felt like I was going on my first date, as if I was in high school again. My soldier puts me on a pedestal, as if no one else in the world matters except for him and I. He always makes me feel special and beautiful, and ALWAYS knows how to get me to smile even if I'm having the worst day of my life. He is my heart, my life, my lover, and my best friend. For all these reasons is why I am having a really hard time today. I've lost track of some important things about life - about myself. There are a lot of things I never knew about my self until I met him. And now, the person I thought I knew, the person I thought I was - is lost.
Lately there always seems to be something wrong with either the phones, when he tries to call me - or there's something wrong with the internet connection when we're trying to chat. He was able to call me this morning from Iraq for only about 5 minutes just to tell me that he's ok, to make sure I was ok, and to tell me he loved me. And then he said "And tell the boys I love them too and give them kisses for me." And that was it :o( - he was gone again.
I think its also especially hard going through something like this, when your not living on a military base, and your living the life as a civilian. I can call my friends and I can call my mom, or I can try to talk to my brother about what I'm going through, but the fact of the matter is, none of them are really gonna understand the depth of my situation. Well, today I couldn't handle my emotional pain alone, and needed to talk to SOMEONE who would be able to tell me the right words to regain my composure. So I called a fellow (ex)Army wife, who actually
just moved back down here to my home town that I met while being stationed in Alaska. Her husband was just med-boarded, and was able to escape his deployment. She didn't necessarily give me any EXTREME words of encouragement, however since she understands more than a fraction of what I'm going through it really helped calm me down.
My husband was involved in a Black hawk accident in Mosul about month or so ago. I hadnt heard from him for longer than usual, and so when I finally heard his voice over the phone it was wonderful. But he wasn't calling to tell me that he was ok - he was calling to let me know that he almost died. He told me about the accident and all I could do was cry and think about "what could have been". So since then, I worry more now than ever. I really hate the lonely nights, the nights when I haven't heard from him.... I go to bed at night, and curl up in a ball and think "now what am I gonna do if I get a couple of 'Class A's' at my doorstep that have to deliver bad news to me about my husband?" "How am I gonna explain that to my kids?" "And how am I gonna be able to survive mentally, with out my soul mate? With out my best friend?"
I know I'm not alone when I say this but if the divorce rate is getting higher in the military, and the suicide rate was sky rocketing, how come they're keeping our soldiers away from us for so long, and away from the ones that THEY love and count on for support, and only give them 14 DAYS for a break? ! ? ! I have already heard of other couples that I KNOW, that the spouse is cheating on them or has plans of divorcing them because they realized this isn't the life they want to live, or they realized they don't have the stomach for it. Personally, even I feel as though I wasn't built for this life or meant to be here going through this. Never, in a million years, would I have thought that I would be married to the military and have Army brats to show for it, lol. But I'm here....and I keep supporting him and encouraging him to stay strong so that he comes back home soon to me and the boys. He's a good man, a stand-up guy, and I wouldn't trade this life with him for anything.
You think you know.......but you have no idea.
I am not perfect by any means, nor do I try to be.......I am an Army wife.
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